


How to Trap a Spider

by Seito



Series: Insanity at Stark Industries [4]
Category: The Amazing Spider-Man (Movies - Webb), The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Crack, F/M, SI Employees - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-01-01
Updated: 2015-02-12
Packaged: 2018-03-04 17:42:49
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,859
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3076721
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Seito/pseuds/Seito
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In which Peter Parker gets hired by Stark Industries, accidentally.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Welcome to How to Trap a Spider. :3 I wrote this back after seeing The Amazing Spider-man 2. Just a small thing to note. TASM 2 has not happened yet as of this story.

Peter wasn't sure how exactly it happened, only that one minute he had been walking past Stark Industries and the next thing he knew he found himself ushered into a nice little office on the 37th floor. Sitting behind the desk was a woman with white hair (she looked too young to have that much white hair, was that her natural hair color?) and sharp blue eyes.

"Name?" she demanded.

"Peter Parker," Peter promptly answered. "Excuse me, but-"

"I don't have a Peter Parker on my list," the woman interrupted as she flipped through a stack of papers. She shook her head and fixed her stare back at Peter. "Nevermind, I'm desperate at this point. How old are you Mr. Parker?"

"18," Peter hesitantly replied. "Look-"

"Have you graduated from high school?"

"Yes, but-"

"Which one?" Peter let out a frustrated sound. He hated being ignored like this. The woman had her head down, staring at the paper where she appeared to be writing down his answers.

"Midtown Science High School," Peter snapped.

The woman's head snapped upwards, surprised coloring her features. Peter mentally scowled at that expression. He knew he didn't look like much, looked more like a high school dropout these days. It wasn't like he and Aunt May could afford his college expenses at this time. Getting a job (which was more of a pay-by-the-photo) at the Bugle had been the best he could have gotten with no experience and he needed to help Aunt May with the bills.

To Peter's surprise, the woman's expression took on a more calculating look. He wasn't given a chance to analyze it before his spidey sense twinged and he ducked. 'Thud!'

Peter's eyes widened as he stared at the pen that was now buried in the wall behind where he had been sitting. That would have seriously hurt if it had hit him! "Hey now!" he protested. "What was-whoa!"

The woman leapt at him, over her desk. Peter dodged to the left, narrowly missing getting kicked. He rolled around behind the desk as a stapler came flying at him. A stapler! What is with people who work in big research buildings? Tony Stark was awesome, but clearly his employees were crazy! This was starting to look no better than Oscorp! Or was this karma's way of trying to be _punch-_ tual. Okay, that pun was a little weak.

Peter spotted the tape on the desk and grabbed it. As the woman came charging at him again, he caught her arm in the tape and pulled. Her balance was quickly lost and Peter kept up the momentum and taped her hand to the chair. With a swipe at her ankle, she fell to the ground and Peter grabbed the stapler from the ground and stapled the woman's pants legs together so she wouldn't be able to chase after him.

"Not bad," the woman remarked. "You're hired."

Peter halted his dash towards the door to give a bewildered look at the woman. She looked mildly impressed and... and... and where did that knife come from?! With a quick slash, she had freed herself from the tape and was cutting her pants free from the staples. "I liked these pants," he heard her mumble.

"Excuse me?!" Peter asked. He couldn't stop the slight shrill from entering his voice. But if this is what it was like to work for a major corporation, science awesome and hero worshiping of Tony Stark be damned, Peter was very happy to continue working as an underpaid photographer for The Bugle.

The woman's red lips twitched into a smile. "Congratulations, you're hired. Good reflexes to dodge my attempts to attack you. Also, you have a quick wit to use the tape and a stapler against me and the common sense to flee to get as far away as possible from a potential enemy. Needless to say you've done better than all the other candidates this morning."

"You mean you attacked everyone?" Peter gaped. Who the hell was this woman? "Wait, what do you mean I'm hired? For what exactly? Look, I have no idea what's going on. I just got pulled off the street."

The subtle shaking of the woman's shoulders told him she was silently laughing at him. "I take it no one told you. Not that I can blame them. You've been hired as the front lobby secretary for Stark Industries." She pulled out a folder and handed it to Peter. "Here's a copy of your contract if you wish to sign it. It covers all the benefits, your salary, vacation and work hours, the works."

Peter hesitantly took the folder. On one hand, he should be running out the doors, because this woman was clearly crazy. Who randomly attacked people like that? Peter had to suppress his urge to use his webshooters or to jump to the ceiling. He wasn't in uniform; that wasn't what normal people could do. On the other hand, this sounded like a stable job.

"I don't have any experience," Peter hedged on.

The woman rolled her eyes. "I don't care. We'll teach you everything."

Well, that was good to know. Peter skimmed over the contract. His eyes bulged at the salary. That was enough to not only help with the bills, but would let Aunt May keep regular hours instead of pulling double shifts. He could easily pay for college on that salary. "This is what you pay for a secretary?!" he exclaimed. What on earth do they pay scientists?!

"The truth is, the front lobby secretary position is one of the highest paid positions in the entire company," the woman explained. "It pays more than the average scientist in R&D. But it has a high turnover rate because no one lasts more than a month before quitting. If you make it past six months you get a pay raise."

A pay raise?! "Why is there a high turnover rate?" Peter blurted out.

"Article Three, page six, the first paragraph," the woman mentioned offhandedly. She had started to clean up her office from their little fight.

Peter flipped to that section. _'Job Duties include but not limited to: answering phone calls, accepting deliveries, customer service, taking messages and dealing with minor criminals.'_

"Dealing with minor criminals?" Peter asked. He could, given his abilities, but that wasn't how he wanted people to find out he was Spider-man.

The woman shrugged. "This is Stark Industries. Combine that with Mr. Stark, Iron Man and the Avengers themselves who live on the top floors of this building, it is no surprise that criminals flock here. See only the stupid criminals try the front door. The supervillains just go to the top of the tower. We do have evacuation drills for when that happens and you still get paid for the full day. Any criminals who do come through the lobby, an alert goes out to someone with the proper training to take care of them. Until then it is a situation that most people find highly stressful and most don't cope. By the way we do offer therapy and it's mandatory for certain job positions which include the front lobby secretary position."

The Avengers. Peter had nearly forgotten that this building also served as their home. He had seen them many times when he was out on patrol, but never gotten too close. Peter wasn't sure what to make of them, they were adults that would most likely try to stop him or worse, turn him into a science experiment to figure out how he got his powers. He didn't think they would do that, being superheroes and all but you never really knew. This could be a bad idea to be so close to them. His secret could slip out by accident.

But the kid inside of him that hero worshipped them, looked to them as examples of the good he could do as Spider-man was nearly giddy at the idea.

"What happen to the last secretary?" Peter asked, delaying his answer even though he already knew what it would be.

"There was an accident that resulted in the lobby being destroyed, which is no longer a new thing. It gets destroyed often. It's the first time she's been seriously hurt since she was hired, over a decade ago. She's a bit miffed by that. It'll be a couple months before she can return to work, assuming she wants to. In the mean time we are desperately in need of a front lobby secretary."

"And how often to these 'minor criminals' come to Stark Industries?"

"There's an average of two every week."

Peter blinked. Two a week? And the last secretary had been doing this for over a decade? "And she only got hurt in the last one?" he asked.

"Normally her very capable husband takes care of the criminals. This last incident was a bombing, which she would have been protected from by a force field designed by Mr. Stark if only she was a less noble self sacrificing idiot. The both of them."

The last part had been muttered under the woman's breath, but Peter's enhanced hearing had picked it up. He wondered what exactly happened. There had been tons of news about Stark Industries lately with the terrorist attacks. Peter couldn't recall if there had been something specific about the Tower itself. He got a distinct feeling though that the woman in front of him was probably a good friend with the secretary he was replacing.

"So her husband is like a bodyguard? Is he going to be watching over me too?" That might be troublesome if he needed to leave in a hurry as Spider-man.

The woman's eyebrow rose. "No, he's a janitor here. He just drops everything he's working on and goes to his wife's rescue every time something happens. Given his track record in that he has succeeded every single time, he is one of the very competent people that get called when a criminal show up in the lobby. He also plays hide and go seek against Agent Barton, make of that what you will."

"Beware the Almighty Janitor?" Peter asked, mostly as a joke to himself.

To his amazement the woman made a half strangled sound and promptly buried her face in her hands. "Mr. Parker," she said after a beat of silence. "If you ever run into a man called Richard O'Callaghan or Red please leave the room, fast."

"Is he the janitor?" Peter asked.

"No, just… no."

"Okay," Peter said. "I like to give it a shot." What harm could it be? He wouldn't be able to go on patrol as often, but it was a stable job that offered plenty of money. With a flourish of a pen, he signed the contract.

The woman smiled. "Excellent. Ah, I never introduced myself did I? I am Seika Usuyuki, the head of Accounting. Please call me Seika. It's a pleasure to meet you Mr. Parker."

"Head of Accounting?" Why was the head of Accounting doing the interviews?

"We don't have an HR department to take care of this and anyone else with authority, such as Ms. Potts or Mr. Stark, do not have the time," Seika said. She accepted the contract back from Peter.

"Ah, another high turnover job?" Peter asked. If the front lobby was as stressful as Seika was making it, then Human Resources was bound to be equally stressful.

"Yes," Seika said with a heavy sigh. "You'll start tomorrow unless you have some free time today. We are out of survival manuals at the moment, but I can give this to you." She handed over a box.

Survival manuals? Why on earth would he be given a survival manual? What was in the box? Peter opened the box and stared down at its contents. "A nerf gun?" he asked. His original theory about everyone being crazy at Stark Industries was starting to look correct.

Seika merely smiled.

"Welcome to Stark Industries, Mr. Parker."


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So... it turns out all I needed to jump start the inspiration/motivation was to post the chapter online. You guys are awesome! Thanks for all the awesome comments! Please keep it up! It's bring in all the motivation I need 8D

"Jumping Jellybeans! She hired someone."

Peter looked up from the papers he was sorting to see a man (with bunny ears?) standing in front of him. Today was his second day on the job. Yesterday Seika had walked him through everything, made sure Peter knew where all the panic buttons were and how to reach her if he had any questions at all.

"Can I help you?" Peter asked. He spotted the SI employee badge, marking that at least the man in front of him was an employee.

"She hired someone!" the man repeated, staring in complete and total shock at Peter.

Was it really strange that Peter got hired? Yesterday was like that too. A lot of staring and patting on the back and well wishes from nearly everyone who walked through the front door.

"Why are you gawking, Ita? We should be celebrating! Told you there was nothing to worry about that trial."

Peter's inner fanboy let out a squeal. There was Tony Stark! It suddenly occurred to him that Peter would, could see Tony Stark every single day because Peter _was working at SI_.

Tony had entered the lobby with Pepper by his side. A wide smirk was on his face, mixed with his sunglasses made him look a lot like the smug bastard the media made him out to be. Pepper on the other hand, looked terribly amused by Tony's strutting.

The man with the bunny ears, Ita apparently, made a noncommittal noise and gestured at Peter.

Tony stopped and peered over his sunglasses. "Who are you?" Tony addressed Peter.

"Be nice, Tony," Pepper said. "This is our new front receptionist, Peter Parker."

Ita made another high pitch whine while Tony turned to Pepper. "What? But this is Hotaru's job! He can't just waltz in and take it! Who signed off on this?"

"Seika Usuyuki," Peter answered.

Tony pulled off his sunglasses and reached over into Peter's new desk, dialing Seika's extension number. Pepper merely rolled her eyes and gave Peter an apologetic look as Ita started pulling out papers from his briefcase.

This response wasn't completely surprising for Peter. He had been warned all day yesterday that his predecessor was a well liked person in the company and more than a few employees were very disgruntled with the idea she had been replaced (temporary or not). Combined with how dangerous everyone made the front lobby seemed, it wasn't too far of a judgement leap to discover that Mr. Stark did not approve of Peter's hirement.

"Do you need a rescue, Mr. Parker?" came Seika's voice over the intercom.

"No," Peter said. The total truth after all. He did not need rescuing from Tony Stark. (The hero worship was rapidly dying out the longer he talked to Mr. Stark.)

"Seika! Can you-" Tony said.

"No."

Tony let out a cry of triumph. "So you didn't hire this kid to take Hotaru's place?"

"Oh, no, that I did. And Pepper approved it. Welcome back. I assume the trial in DC went smoothly," Seika said.

Peter watched, amused, as Tony swung around to give Pepper a look of complete and utter betrayal. Pepper on the other hand, just shrugged.

"Seika," Ita said, shuffling Tony to the side. "Did Mr. Parker here sign all the papers?"

"Yes, he did. Stop worrying Ita."

Peter could already see the long-suffering sigh Seika must have made. For only knowing the accountant for two days, Peter couldn't help but sympathize. Clearly, all she wanted to do was her job, except her job kept expanding. Yesterday when she was walking him through how to operate the phones, computers, and what to do, some twenty something calls came to the front desk requiring her assistance. Many of them were things that accountants aren't normally supposed to handle. (Why she had to mediate the food fight that broke out on the tenth floor and the accusations of the mailing/shipping department stealing ice cream from Section Sigma, Peter didn't know.)

"I'm worried that we're putting a kid in the front lobby! I just finished settling all of last year's lawsuits!" Ita flailed his arms in distressed.

'He must be part of the legal department,' Peter thought to himself. A pang of sympathy jolted through Peter's heart. If the news covered only a fraction of the numeral lawsuits that were probably flung at SI, this guy must be as overworked as Seika.

"Relax Ita," Seika said, trying to sound reassuring.

"Kid in the lobby! The kid that doesn't look like he can take a punch nevertheless handle the stress of being in the front lobby!" Ita protested.

"Hey! I am right here," Peter said, feeling offended.

"Right!" Tony said, jumping back into the conversation. "This is Hotaru's job and not something a snot nosed kid should be getting himself into."

"I can take care of myself!" Peter snapped. Sure, they didn't know he was Spiderman, but even without superpowers, Peter could take care of himself! He survived the bullies in high school, would-be criminals weren't that much better, just better armed!

To the side, Pepper just shook her head and let out an insufferable sigh.

"Hotaru can have her job back if she wants it, when she comes back! We all know she could use more help down there and if for some reason she doesn't want Mr. Parker's help, he can be transferred to another department that does need help," Seika said. Her tone of voice growing more and more irritable over the phone.

"But-" Tony and Ita chorused together.

"We have been without a front lobby secretary for two months. TWO MONTHS! It'll be at least another three before Hotaru is recovered enough to even consider coming back. We are once again banned from calling every temp agency in New York City. We had 7 interns quit because I assigned them to the front lobby. I was forced to send down Red the other day and the lobby was pink! PINK by the end of the day! Now, unless one of you two want to volunteer to man the front desk, Mr. Parker stays!"

"Seika!"

"Pepper!"

"Alright, that's enough," Pepper said, breaking up the fight. "We need a front lobby secretary and Mr. Parker has agreed. You are aware of the dangers right?"

Peter nodded.

"When Hotaru comes back, assuming she wants to, we will figure it out then," Pepper said. "Now stop bickering. We have meetings to attend, paperwork to fill out and messages to answer." She pushed both men toward the elevators.

"Take care, Mr. Parker," Pepper said cheerfully as she dragged the two men off. Both of them were still protesting loudly.

Once they were gone, Peter shook his head in disbelief. It was official. Stark Industries' employees were crazy and he was dealing with children.

… What did that say about his sanity though?


	3. Chapter 3

By some miracle, Peter went three weeks without running into trouble. Fate was smiling upon him!

But all good things must come to an end. Thus, it was a bright Tuesday morning when Peter found himself at gunpoint.

His spidey sense was tingling like mad and Peter subtly hit the floor's panic buttons (one that activated the shielding around the desk and the second, which sent an alert upstairs, could someone please rescue him because he was pretending to be a normal teenage boy).

There was no need to panic. Actually panic was going to be pretty difficult given the fact that the robber seemed to be wearing a horse mask.

"You do realize you look like an out-of-control meme right? Or at least an out of date one. Honestly, should have gone with the shark costume," Peter quipped. "I'm going to have to get a picture of you from the security cameras after this and post it on the internet. I can already see it now, 'Held at gunpoint by a horse meme'. It will be brilliant and I will go down in internet infamy. You know how people love their memes."

"Shut up!" the robber said. "Now hand over all the money you have."

"Hmm, and you also realize that this isn't a store, restaurant or eatery and it isn't like there is a cash register that I can just pop open to hand you the cash," Peter intoned bored. This guy was shaping up to be more and more incompetent than the robbers Peter stopped on the street. Standards had to be slipping.

"Like seriously, I have like ten bucks in my wallet and you came just after all the deliveries had stopped by. You know, if you had come in like an hour earlier, the cash box would have had like $40 bucks, bringing your loot up to do $50 dollars."

"Stop talking!" The robber snapped. He jerked the gun forward, threatening. "I know you got money! This is Stark Industries, you people are practically swimming in money!"

"You know who else has money?" Peter asked. "Banks. Like there are four banks within walking distance from here and you decide to rob SI? Like dude, you need to rethink your priorities and goals. Or maybe that horse mask is making you crazy? Maybe you're becoming a living meme? Robber Horse Meme! You know I always wanted to be famous on the internet. I could set up a blog that covers my days here. It will be epic. All I have to do is blog about the insanity that happens here."

That was a brilliant idea. Sure, this was the first time he was being held up by a criminal, despite Seika's worry that it was going to constantly be happening. But there was enough insanity here, that it would be a bestseller online. Just yesterday someone painted the cafeteria in rainbow colors. Not just the walls, everything from the cups, plates, utensils, tables, chairs, even the napkins were rainbow colors. No one had confessed to the crime yet.

"You need to shut up kid!" The robber snarled. "Or you're going to be full of more holes than cheese!

Well, given that Hawkeye was now hanging upside down from an air vent, taking aim at the robber, the chances of that happening were now slim to none.

'Thud'

And the robber was down! Three, two, one, out!

"Not bad, kid," Clint said called out from the air vent. "You held up better than I thought you would."

"What? That I didn't become a headless chicken screaming the minute the guy pointed a gun at me?" Peter deadpanned back. "Excuse me for not being a proper damsel in distress."

Clint grinned. "I think I'm going to like you," he said. "You're either recklessly stupid or stupidly brave. Either way I think you're gonna fit here better than Tony gives you credit for."

"That doesn't make me feel better!" Peter said. It didn't. It definitely didn't. Aunt May was going to kill him if she ever found out. But that didn't matter because she was never going to find out about this little incident (or that it was supposed to happen more frequently than normal.)

Why exactly did he accept this job again?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A short chapter, but hopefully I did Peter's first criminal attack justice. Another story is coming up for this verse. Just another crossover I wanted to write. It happens concurrently to How to Trap a Spider (I think, it might wrap up first before this one continues on, like a side story). Ah we'll see. Still plotting :P Anyways as a smaller teaser, here's the summary:
> 
> It was well known that Tony Stark had no impulse control. So he wasn't quite sure why Pepper was so surprised that he returned from San Fransokyo with two genius brothers and their personal healthcare robot.

**Author's Note:**

> This is tentatively complete... in that I don't have another chapter and while I have an idea of what I want to do, I don't know if I'll ever finish it. I suppose we shall see. When I don't know when it'll be posted, the last in the How to Survive being an SI Employee universe (unless the new marvel movies inspire otherwise) shall be Chaos at SI. That will be the catch all out all leftover bits. Oh and the prequels I have planned. :3 Thank you so much for sticking with me so far. I hope you continue to read as I press forward. Have a Happy New Year!


End file.
